A POTION TO PROTECT MY PEACE

I ENCOURAGE EVERYONE OF YOU TO JUST STOP. 
GO BACK TO THAT PLACE THAT IS SMALL AND CAME BEFORE THE NOISE STARTED. 
NO MORE FALSE PROTECTION. 
NO MORE NURTURING THE EGO. 
NO MORE NOISE THAT KEEPS THE BEAUTIFUL PARTS SILENT. 
IT'S SO EASY TO LOSE IT. 
IT'S SO EASY TO FALL IN LOVE.
THEN AGAIN IT'S NOT. 
THIS...THIS  FORCES THE CORE RIGHT OUT OF ME.
A CUTTING EDGE DIAMOND SLIVERED HEART. 
A NEW GROUND STANDING STRONG.
A GOLDEN GROUND IN THE WAKE OF DAWN. 
A POTION TO PROTECT MY PEACE. 

Words © Wendy Rose Watson 

◊◊◊◊◊ Stardust Memories ◊◊◊◊◊

Scriptures Written On A Lost Stone That Once Opened the Mystics Vault

You are fading, so am I and our eyes go so slow and mine fade into you ...so good and wise and strong to go slow, i wanna hold the hand inside you like firey embers into the night....Yes, that burning feeling inside comes again and again and I cant help but think what you were thinking while I was lost in the air of infinity. water, earth air and fire. I am made mostly of Air, water and fire....so maybe you thought you knew. I never thought that my love for you would be anything less than an offering  true..... But where were you my little disconnected soul, my valetine?  It was when you continued to insist I open my trust....that we melted together....yet, as soon as I did you ran so far away from love.  Oh my dear darling.....my peter pan.... see you never knew.

..."FUCK ME THAT WILL WILL SAVE ME" just like some sort of Kathleen Turner Crime of Passion, it doesn't dismiss reality...fuck me me, kiss me, save me...there are these nights like this when I imagine you are asleep in bed in our little love chapel that we created and those nights and those nights burn for you and I. But it's me that's here right now. I am the ony  Joan of Arc burning due to a truth that you could not contain. Maybe I was was a whole lotta too much mother air, fire, water for you and you were just running scared to be free, I suppose I will never know what was and what will never be. You made your exit though my open door,  no integrity.

Dear fog and shade, I only asked you to brush my hair after a bath but no instead you dismissed that sweetness for a fuck, for fuckery and fucked me. Can't you see fiction doesn't win you luck...slowly, tenderly it me you fucked. you fucked my locks came in and then you fucked me. yeah. fuck brushing my hair ever so sweetly. falling into those many nights I  gave you a prayer, a bed and those nights.....brushing my hair. I was always here but you left long before that, I could smell it on your flesh and I was burning. You, you couldn't even begin with that..you wanted to go straight for it, the concept of time wasn't enough for you. Nor has it ever been. You wanted it to happen and happen right now again, with your running away.... so when you're love lorned tired and true and no surprise doesn't speak cryptic to you... look into my eyes and there will still be a soft pinpoint opening into my blues...just no longer , not anymore it isn't enough to pull us through, I'm filled inside but it wasn't enough for you...you haven't enough....hiding your own true blue  behind what you could, would never be or do ...blue pulsating veins needs a shot upside down. We can't connect. Stillness. Expect. Disconnect without hiding you hid.

So you  just weren't  enough according to you  and you had no will to save you through. Then that's when the light broke and the dawning fell into my hand....and my hand writing began to sound like firefly wings, shape shifting into a hot warm nest and my voice  beats to a tune of tongues. My mouth kisses third eye spring appearing in Autumn. Times are strange, like a summer cold wave without you.... you, my so lost love. You, you haven't  a clue, my sweet darling, my sweet darling  do you? I think about it as life isn't suppose to be an escapade of trials alone as hands are supposed to be held,  hair is suppose to be brushed, souls are suppose to be loved, working together for higher ground, that is love. Why do you lie to yourself? I heard the thunder then you running, running  to the darkest black hole you could find, i'm not selling out on my vision, prisims of softly colored light.

And, so now here we are both laying like metamorphoses in the night. i scream stars on the ceiling that burst into bright. I've laid out a song, laid it out for you....a song for your best to the future.....to life.....past , present, future. An abundance of knowing more than you know for we all know nothing that is true.

Drained to another world, love on my tongue and you in your  reacquisition always  affirming our love will stay in remission...our dreams in remission.....a dream, what it does and does it seem my little libertine. My far away, run away libertine. When will you see eyes so starry, again, my friend. You looked straight into mine, I was there, no illusion. So no it's not over, you will rise, it's not over....I'll lift you up to sunrise come hold my hand with a song. I always loved your eyes....that was always enough for me, that and the touch of your hand and the way you use to brush my hair. I was there. Please stay bright inside my darling one and in the future do be careful of whose heart you damage, because each time you do it you're really only suffering your own soul... Please do learn how to flow, be honest, be real, and grow, grow, grow....I love you, more than anything but know I can never be yolked with a love that is blind to themselves, a love that forgets what they look like after they walk away from the mirror of their own soul to chase runaway dreams that won't be able to cradle your soul....yes, everything will flow and eveything will fade blue. Oh God how I loved you.


Words © Wendy Rose Watson

I'M IN YOUR CHURCH AT NIGHT

SOMEONES GOT WISE BLOOD BLEEDING RIGHT NOW

I remember my Mama telling me many times to rely on myself then I also remember her telling me to rely on God.  Yeah, a long time ago in a Georgia far, far away' - my Mama called me on the phone and said in her Southernly shake -you -up kinda tone, "One day the shit's gonna hit the fan, then what 'cha gonna do?" Her words, at the time, didn't really hit me like a kiss cause I had already kissed the hit and, I certainly didn't need no cooling cause I was on fire inside.  Things were going according  to plan, my plan. My minds eye was set and that was it.  I was a hot young red headed sass of a Southern girl full of life. I had a business that was thriving after the three year test zone and I was living my life to the fullest. By fullest, I mean working, and, working a lot. Getting my hands dirty, working fingers to the bone but no one knew. I would never let any one behind the scenes, in fashion you had to create a scene that everything was easy and beautiful even at times surreal.  Loving , and, loving my work, my creations I knew what I was doing and I did it well.  I knew I was born into a country that allowed me to pursue my entreprenarual dreams and as a proprietor I was always grateful and seizing the moments of what America meant to me. America has changed, things have changed....what next? Will orange knickers be bleeding soon?

Wait....lemme start over...Once upon a time, I owned a clothing salon or as I like to say I birthed a child I named "Kate."  She needed all the attention a child needed and all of the emotion lived in her womb, until someone saw something they wanted to carry out of the womb...It was a very emotional time indeed, when the womb had to shut down. 11 years of life that I will never regret but as far as I was concerned, Mama was just preaching her own truth, not my truth. So...we all got our truths, right? We are all standing and delivering but lemme tell you something Mama knows best, well most of the time anyhow and once you think you're truth is the truth you find out there is no truth, so I've decided to write a little story about the way of  finding out the 'truth'  or at least what has been true for me....there is no real truth besides this very moment, know its your own. Own it. So lemme start over...

A long time ago in a California far, far away (although I still reside here) I owned a clothing salon, and yes, sir-ri,  she was my baby! Kate I called her. I breathed life into her and she grew and grew and grew and grew into full bloom, she wasn't even a flower but she grew and she bloomed and god she was my favorite fragrance. I was the caretaker, the mother and  the  one behind the curtain of her existence.  She was my pride and joy, I didn't have much else, except my blood, sweat and tears from the years. No, I didn't realize then when Mama asked me that vital question you know the one "what ya gonna do when the shit hits the fan?" and I didn't realize that 'that' question was full of love and knowing either.  I just 'thought' Mama wasn't being supportive of my dreams, my creative endeavors , my far-out No. 9 dream. I 'thought' that I was living it, action is always better than words and I was always in action so I had no words to understanding of  her words. The dream was  alive and well in America for as long as I had known until it shape shifted reptilian and forced me to fall down on my aching knees and begged me to look deeper into the abyss. Nothing went right then, it all went against my nature.

Ya see, Mama just wanted me to have something stable, rooted, founded and certain....afterall this is what the  country as she knew of  was built upon. Something that would provide certainty for me as she knew uncertainly was a dark, dark shadow.  She had been there but never told me about it, never wanting to let me in , or rather wanting to protect me from the world as some Mamas do. Anyhow, it didnt make much sense to me since I liked dark shadows, I figured without the sun nothing was possible, not even a shadow and bring the shadows on if that was suppose to be my destiny. It was all talk from me cause I was always fascinated by the dark end of the street, until i actually my life sorta took a turn and  I wasn't thinking so much about the light...I always liked SPF 30 anyhow.

I was a single, thirty three bright young thing and living the American dream but then things took a shift, the earth cracked open and just as Mama said 'the shite hit the fan' -- I was swallowed whole, like an oyster, straight into the gaping mouth of planet earth and its burning core, twisting and turning all the way down it's spine but I was still alive.

Needless to say Mama made no effort to tell me waht her statement meant, although I knew...but its not as though she prepped me for my death, she only warned me. No one want s think of some they love dying, or maybe they do, but my Mama just came with a message that was undeniably true and she always spoke cryptically - in her  her own ghostly way and rhythem- to let me know that she knew. There were all the signs, codes, speaking in tongues and all of that but what did I know? Oh, I knew I just wasn't in tune, then.  It's true, even if there is no truth that you have to prepare your intuition to rise to the occasion or you're gonna get lost at some time or another. It's up to you to see the writing on the wall of your mind and decipher it any way you choose but I was still a young girl then...full of hope, blood, sweat, tears that I poured into my American dream on the platform. What did I know about Armegeddon? I had never loved this deeply, ever and although I had already endured life circumstances that broke my heart, nothing had come close to this, especially since I had not prepared. I had only read some words about Armegeddon and after all things were going good, real good until 'the shit hit the fan!'

My world quickly became shaken and stirred to the bone and  I soon came to find out I was sleeping or perhaps I was just thinking that disaster could never touch me. I was independant and self-sufficient and I had created something so beautiful on my own that there was no way it could ever die. It was then, when I thought that and felt certain in that mind  that I turned into a pillar of salt. That was back in 2008 and there was no one there, Mama lived in a land far, far, away called Georgia and I was being broken, destroyed and incredibly frightened.

Thank God for the handful of diamonds (meaning two or three as my hands are small) who loved me through the darkest hours of my life, they were the brightest lights in my dark world and there is never enough gratitude, but mama she knew...she knew what she had to do. A warning was enough for her, and she knew she couln't stop what was going to happen, what was already on it's way.

So I found myself alone in the night in a constant state of weep and  I didn't tell my Mama what was going on for a very long time. I was ashamed, looking back I was ashamed with myself not for losing my business but for all the pride I had and how I never trusted or asked her back...what would you do IF 'the shit hit the fan?' I took no interest in her words back then. Something I regeret, that's why today I always ask questions. I have learned to honor and welcome the knowledge of loving souls who have 'been there before.'

Anyhow, I just wanted to die but instead of taking my living to escape the pain I started taking photos to document the lonliness I felt inside, the shame, the sadness, in hopes to soften the waves of my broken red-beating heart. I found myself somewhat alive again during those moments but I knew I was dead ...I was just a heart beating waves crashing upon the shore.
It was the only thing I knew to do, although I'd never done it. I also added alcohol as I thought the liver must be punished and in-between that I slept for what seemed almost a thousand years.

When I wasn't sleeping or consuming large amounts of alcohol or documenting this lucid living   I would read books. Lots and lots of books. Books became one of my only friends as the diamond ones I had mentioned earlier had their own lives to live, they were all going through the waves too..I wasn't the only one.  True friends after all, never abandon you but in the darkest hours you are called to come into self. I wish it was forty- days and forty-nights in the desert but it was longer, much longer and I longed to come out of it to shake what felt like a disease off, but I couldn't. What I had to do was live through this and know I could and would come out when I was ready. God, the hours...the hours!!

Waking up into this  I was no longer the girl that I knew. I had lost my child, my identity, Kate. Who was I? Who am I? Who will I be? Will I be able to live to tell the story one day? Who will care? Do I care and if so why? I just wanna sleep!! Wait...Will my story in some way help others? All questions I asked 'the stranger' along the way. I was my own reputation now, no one knew me, not even myself.

Heart-broken, beaten and incredibly depressed the blue-eyed girl named Wendy, was still alive, but barely and, I still had not told my Mama what was happening. How could I?  I was intoxicated  beyond belief most of the time, incredibly bewildered and extremely devastated unable to rise from my own bed for moons! I knew it. I was dying for sure and the black cab of death was on it's way, in route.

I'm not sure how you can tell your Mama that, in fact I'm not sure I was even aware of it at the time and I know I couldn't find the words, let alone speak to anyone. I just knew I was wounded like a solider in the battlefield, bleeding without a tourniquet and the words didn't work anymore , there was no flow and there was not sweat....only tears, I had so hoped to win something for the common good and bring it back years later when my Mama needed me but I was uncapable and I had checked out after that so I sent her photographs of me instead. Silent photos as I'd always loved the 20's and 30's and that era. I thought she may connect my silent way, see me and come out to lend her shoulder after all I had learned to be cryptic, it was my up bringing.
It was a curious thing though as the photos didn't document suffering.  Instead she told me I was beautiful and I didn't know how to tell Mama I was broken and that broken wasn't beautiful to me, it made me ache to the point of no return. I was a so lost that even a Chet Baker song couln't do this place justice.

Surely that ache I had wasn't comprable to her beauty queen, JFK days and the  pagent photos of her at my age.  How would she understand what I was going through inside? Nothing made sense. I didn't think she could understand putting my child, Kate, to rest. After all she had never had to put a child to rest. My brother, me and my lil sister were still alive, didn't matter that I was drinking an entire  bottle of Jameson every night and that I was swollen in the womb of depression. All those beautiful photos, they were so far beyond the beautiful...and, it wasn't a lie I just let her see whatever would make her feel proud of me, feel good.

I could not have prevented the series of events that took place but I sure would of been strong enough inside to have slayed any tsunami that came my way or at least prepared to stand tall in the spirit world, so to speak,   It would have been much easier if she had broken down what the word Armegeddon meant in a worldly sense but I was sure to find out according to her sooner or later. Heaven help us all!

How can one find ones self without seeking out what's inside and how can one find out what's inside without being called* to look deeper? So as most of you know the shit hit the fan for many of us during the economic collapse of 2008, and some got hit harder than others. Their whole lives as they knew it in the material world went down.  probably a lot of you did start waking up, I know I did. If all those photo I captured of myself sleeping weren't a sign then I don't know what was. I'm not saying look to God on a cloud but to your soul and the very breath you're breathing right now. A lot of people don't go on that treasure hunt though, they are too focused on the outside. They forget we are spirits in the material world. I mean would you just look around? Right. It seems everyone is paying attention to the deep, wordless conviction and spark that is living within. I mean how do people shut that voice off? I tried to run, run, run one time, too when the shite hits the fan, you better listen up. Trusting your inner voice is incredibly important, fine tune it if there's static then you know somethings off. You should be able to tap into it if you've done the work. The soul knows more as it grows and sometimes it may just take a few life blows to get 'into the know'...

Independence. Individuality. Self-assurance. Self-awareness. Self-determination. Self-esteem. Self-reliance. Self-respect, Self-sufficiency. Self-trust and solitude are all things we should be working towards. I think we all have a light that is  wired into the heart & soul...no one is really special but YOU are.

This brings to mind what Flannery O'Conner once said in the book Wise Blood, " In yourself, right now, is all the place you got."  .... The power of listening to what, you don't want me to know.  

Moving Into The Future...Send Out A Search Party, perhpas.

You might not have the foggiest idea of what I'm really about and you've probably  never even met me in person. Truth be it you can't just  judge me based on what someone else has told you or just by spending 15 minutes with me over tea unless you're a good strong read. Those of us that know see it in each others eyes, words and souls....because we've been there, lived through it...and not become jaded from the illusion....especially in Hollyweird. We end up owning our own strength called compassion and sharing it, never taking things personally and trying to always endure in this city and world that can and does often creep into the mind of what is once was. We can never turn back...We must look forward into the great crystal ball and follow the yellow brick road or make a list and stick to its contents. Fuck crystal balls. There are other methods to the madness! 

I deeply love this country I live in and I have a heart.... and maybe you will even laugh at me from time to time as I love comedy but don't disrespect me or threaten me...you don't have to understand the logic or the phoenix that you may or may not know in me. Call Mother Superior if you need to...I've been idle for a while ..and you know what they say about that.... idle minds are either in business with the devil or sealing with the hand creatively. Did they say they say that? Look it up. I dare you. 

When I grew up it was a fact that either the streets id walk down ( being in the suburbs and all) were either ending at a culdesac or you'd turn right-left-right again and still end up at a god damned dead end. So I ended up taking other paths ways..into the ivy and kudzu back in the south,  on my girlish adventures with lots of viney green leaves.  Yes, it hurt at times, specially that wicked ivy but I took those paths because I didn't fit in with the mere cul-de-sac and I knew a good pink  calamine lotion for weeks could heal me up. SO..I always went for it. You don't have a 'foggy notion' to know about that, or do you?  I know myself and I know myself well, i got my notions and they are not foggy but at times they have been. Glad I tested them. I'm still here. Put please don't try to play "the star spangled banner" for me though,  I know it by heart and it doesn't really work in these strange times. I have my own star in my heart.  The goods aren't you flashy folks. I took martial arts for years, many years....I know how to fight the power, love and also listen inside. I know shadows and light and I know how to rest when its time but I'm back up and ready for action. I am naked.  

Anyhow, the woods behind my old childhood house still in my subconscious beckon me to  get lost in them....but I know I'm a daughter of the revolution. Still,  I will forever be grateful for these and those times....they taught and still teach me so much.  I loved those JFK days with my mama by my side smiling even when there was a lot of destruction and chaos growing up in my dysfunctional home.  No, you don't say a word abut your family life, that wont help anyone else,  so I won't , at least for now as this is not the point of this writing. In fact I'm really even sure what is the point except to write.  That being said, we've all lived through this...right and we are still living. NO, there are no more JFK days here in the US of A but I couldn't be happier to be writing again. For a time there I felt like I was lost in a bad Air Supply song that seemed to be going towards I don't know what!? Death maybe.  
There's no place like home....is there?  

Stay divine, human and true to yourself....it will all work out in the end or it's been said that if it hasn't worked out then it's just not the end. 

Action is LOVE.  WORDS can be loving. LOVING isn't really hard. We are all in this dream of life together. The ones that leave you are afraid, the blinding light is just too much, buy a pair of heart shaped glasses and do your work....help others, be kind to them....create and inspire. You are your own one true love. Pay it forward.


Words © Wendy Rose Watson 

Softly Into the Light

R.I.P My Sweet Sadie Bear 

April 15, 1995 - June 29, 2012 

"I feel so close to everything that we've lost
AND 
We'll never, never have to lose it again." 

~Leonard Cohen

...and I'll chant with Tina anytime

My Dear Dead Blue Bird (FOR C)

Your life was not wasted. A Testament that life encompasses  so much beauty, even after one leaves. Bluebird, if you could have only known how much I loved you so....only wanted to cradle your soul but your eyes shut before I saw you leave,  your heart stopped and you took your final breath on your own.  To create and yolk with you in a nest of deep calm tides around the waves crashing into morning....just once more before you went away...I have spread my dreams under your fire in this silent prayer. 

Bluebird say it isn't so

Please I cannot hear you speak

It must be that you're so tired

In the darkness of the night.

I just don't wanna believe. 

Bluebird, please come back to me. 

My heart is fragranced with the deepest 

Blue beating midnights

I'm fading 

I am such love inside

I am alive 

Bluebird came to me tonight

Waiting patiently for light

Saying "I know that you will grieve

But my darling I must leave"

I wish you, my love, a new flight into caves of darkness and skies of light and that your flesh might not rot  before  we have the opportunity to cross another mothers moon and another sunny sky again. How life twists, it turns and yes, how it burns...


Words © Wendy Rose Watson 

You Touch Me In A Place That Doesn't Talk ~ To New Beginnings My Little Love.

Lifted up

Reflective in returning love you sing

Errant days filled me

Fed me illusion's gate

In temperate stream

Welled up within me

A hunger uncurbed by nature's calling

Seven sacraments to song

Versed in Christ

Should strength desert me

They'll come

They come

Lifted up

Reflected in returning love you sing

Heaven waits

Someday Christendom may come

Westward

Evening sun recedent

Set my resting vow

Hold in open heart

WORDS ~ Mark Hollis 

                                           Close your eyes and open the eyes of your soul. 



I will be putting my 17 year old black cat Sadie to rest in a few days. She has been very ill. Thank you to those friends & family be they blood or not who have been so supportive, be you near or far geographically, your support and kindness has  always touched and strengthened me in times of joy and in times of suffering.

Thank you to Mark Hollis for this beautiful song New Grass. It continues to leave me utterly speechless as the message is about 'new beginnings' and hope. She and I listened to the album for a while and this song on repeat thereafter. Afterwards I spent time chanting hymns with her in my arms. It hasn't been easy for her but at least I know she will no longer be in pain after she closes those beautiful, emerald green eyes and opens her soul to find herself in a new realm in time-space surrounded by spirit that travels beyond sound.  

So, go softly into the light my little sweet heart Sadie. You've known the sunrise and the sunsets that we've endured together, you were my comfort and joy through them all...a gift to me as I hope I have been to you. You loved me unconditionally as I have loved you, such a pure connection we've had, the two of us. You were never mine and this is why I will never lose you. I was your caretaker and you were my hope and joy during days of doubt, celebration and happiness. You were my deep certainty that pure love does exist and that it is possible to experience this kind of connection with another being here on this earthy plane we were both called to. You helped me keep the faith when every river was dry and I will always hold a place inside of me that remembers what is and what was true.  I know the Tradition of the Moon & The Tradition of the Sun and  I'll meet you on the other side of dreams after your beautiful black silky little shell has moved on and your soul ascends to be somewhere other than this earth. Home. 

A new door , a new opening for you so don't be scared my little light hearted loving girl, you've brought me so much joy and you've loved and trusted me deep just as I have you. We have both made the dark nights much easier for each other. You with your purrs, your acceptance of who I am. You with your trust in me as your caretaker. I was blessed to have you, to still have you for these last few breaths you take  and I will celebrate your new beginning and try not to mourn you as you've always made me smile just a little more. My dear sweetest, petite black fair-weathered friend who I called Sadie. I miss so much you already but know neither you nor I will be the ones with the far away eyes. 

To new beginnings, my little love.
I'll meet you there. 

Words © Wendy Rose Watson 

DO YOU REALIZE?

If this book that I'm reading  has a lesson... it is that we are awfully lucky to be here-and by ‘we’ I mean every living thing. To attain any kind of life in this universe of ours appears to be quite an achievement. As humans we are doubly lucky, of course: We enjoy not only the privilege of existence but also the singular ability to appreciate it and even, in a multitude of ways, to make it better. It is a talent we have only barely begun to grasp. 


Bill Bryson (A Short History of Nearly Everything)  

You've got wings baby...

Music is such a powerful medium to me. So powerful that after coming home from the Smashing Pumpkins performance tonight (yes, it's the beginning of their US tour!) I was reminded of a simple yet sometimes forgotten truth. That having deep passion for life is so very vital. That each and every breath we offer in this world is even more so vital to not only our state of well being but to those that we love and those that we share ourselves with. When we bring our true selves to a higher calling we arrive home. Home to me means many things but in this sense it's ones  devotion to their craft. I witnessed an amazing show this evening. Music heals. Music inspires. I'll save the rest  of my thoughts for later. Yes. The Smashing Pumpkins took their flight tonight...performance was epic! Mind blowing and heart felt with lots of rock n' roll livin' soul!

 Here's the title track from the up and coming Oceania album. 

What a diamond! 

  

ZANI ~ The Voice of the Outsider

Many thanks to ZANI Ezine ~ for so graciously offering me the title as US Contributing Editor. My US, Southern, Irish, English, Scottish soul is on fire for your love, it's true....
  

http://www.zani.co.uk/