My bones ached a lot. When I was just a little girl my Mother thought I had a 'growing problem' so she took me to see the doctor to see if she could prevent me from growth. I remember her being very afraid - Afraid that I'd be too tall, that I'd be unlike the other kids in my class you know that I'd be 'different' and I also remember that in my mind she was afraid of my magic...or rather the things I knew and how I'd tell them because I wasn't afraid. I liked shining light in dark places and she was terrified of that. I was a curious little girl, curious about life and the food of the great spirit and always remember having such a quest for vision and I wanted to, without knowing what I was doing, to cultivate and strengthen that.
I knew that that everything was just an illusion then again I didn't know how to know that back then but I knew something and at all cost, even if it mean my life I was going to stay on that quest to at least uncover my own eyes as they were always thirsty. I remember being told NO. I remember saying YES then going against that NO be cause I knew something, something deep down inside so I decided to set my sails and go out to sea. In my mind it was me on a boat with some cats and poetry, I was just a child so that's how I envisioned it. I was gonna take a few talismans with me, carry them in my in my pocket using my inner compass as a guide so that there would be no chance of getting lost but that's another story cause I got lost and I got lost even worse than a Chet Baker song cause that ain't so bad. Keeping illusion in mind , nothing was bad...it was just all part of the process when one decides to set sails up and go to sea. I was gonna be the mother fucking sea captain come hell or high water and my Mother was just gonna have to let it be. Ain't no doctor gonna shoot my bones up and try to prevent my growth but they did....they shot me up good....I don't know what it all means because it really doesn't matter but their shots did not do the trick. Mission not accomplished.
You see when you're dealing with ones soul no one else is going to be able to take control. She nor the doctor could prevent this growth, spiritually but when I was out a sea a funny thing happened, I felt the need to come back, you know make a come back mainly because I was growing and my rose bones ached and yeah maybe being out there at sea really did something to me. I mean I died a thousand times out there, died alive. I got lost beyond words and when the words no longer made sense I knew it was time to hit the shore. And, just like the lover that I am I came back and I will die and die again.
So when I came back, and just like some sorta passage outta a William Blake poem because I could never understand Nevermore but I do remember this passage that runs so deep, deep inside my endless eye "Some are born to sweep the light and some are born to endless night" and to that I say "Some may take the bone and lay down in the dirty cotton field with blood, when milk fed the grass and soul meets the flood, " but not me. NO. Not me.
The slave inside of my Mother, that doctor or even the trees that tower outside of my window bay still be, they may not have grown, tried to prevent their growth with the alpha letters PhD but mine wont stop, my soul that is....in my world there are no slaves, we are all free.
